This is a completely improvised, written as it happens blog post. I’ve never done one of these before so it is a bit of an experiment. I am currently sitting in the front room of a friend’s house in Amsterdam. He’s not here. He’s in Australia. Don’t worry. I’ve not broken in. I’m house sitting for him. It is 11:45 at night. My girlfriend is asleep downstairs and for the last 15 minutes I have been listening to someone in the street watching a very loud movie while I try to write another not so improvised blog post.
At least I assume they are watching a movie. Maybe they are just having a shoot-out/car chase/military incursion going on in their living room. Either way I have become too intrigued in trying to work out what movie they are watching to write what I was originally writing.
I’ve not worked out much about the movie so far but the plot seems to be something along the lines of; “Argh!” Bang! Bang! “Go, go, go!” Bang! Bang! “We have a situation here.” Bang! “Argh! Go, go, go!”
In fact, for the last 15 minutes someone in the movie has been shouting “go, go, go” every few seconds. It must be a very exciting action movie or they really have to go somewhere. Maybe they are very late for a meeting.
I think someone just gave a motivational speech but it’s hard to make out the words. The music was very motivational though and there was a lot of cheering at the end. Could it be Brave Heart? There was a very motivational speech in that movie. Were there any shoot-outs or car chases in Brave Heart? I’ve not seen it.
No wait… That was a roar. I just heard a roar. It must be a monster movie. That or I just heard a drunk tourist in the street… No, I think it is definitely a monster movie. Maybe dinosaurs if I had to make an educated guess.
Someone is shouting “go, go, go” again. They must be really late for that appointment.
I could swear I just heard the voice of Jar-Jar? It’s hard to tell above all the gun fire and screaming. It could have been Shawn Connery. Were they ever in a movie together? Maybe some kind of buddy cop movie?
There was a loud crash but that was not the movie. Someone just fell off their bike in the street.
Now I hear emotional music. I think someone just died. I hope it was Jar-Jar and not Shawn Connery.
And now a car alarm has been going off for the last 10 minutes. There is no way of me knowing how the Brave-Heart-Buddy-Cop-Late-For-Meeting-Monster-Movie ends now. It will be a mystery that will go forever unanswered and torment me till my grave. At least they were nice enough to let me and the rest of the street hear their movie.
I bid you all goodnight.
(Posted at 1:00am. This is what happens when I try to write when I should be sleeping)
During any kind of sporting event that involves countries competing against each other it is inevitable that expats everywhere will be asked the same question. It does not matter which country they are from and which country they find themselves in, the question from the locals is always the same; “Which country are you supporting?”
This may seem like a simple question at first with an equally simple answer; your own country (or another one you really like). However, this is a beginner’s mistake and suggests that the question actually involves some kind of choice.
To be able to answer this question correctly it is first important to understand the many deep layers of what it means. If “which country are you supporting?” is asked by a Dutchman for example the question would actually mean, “Are you supporting Holland?” and, “If not, why not?” as well as, “Aren’t you grateful for everything we have done for you, letting you stay here, letting you eat our stampot, ride our bikes, enjoy our windmills. You better be supporting us.”
It seems that most European countries are happy with you showing up, taking their jobs, their money, and their women and not attempting to learn the language but if you don’t support the local football team there will be some very deeply hurt feelings that might result in you being made an example of.
Saying that you don’t follow the sporting event in question might seem like an easy way to side step this question. However, this simply makes you a free and available resource in the eyes of your host country and means there is even less of a reason for you to not show your support by streaking through the town square wearing nothing but the local flag.
Personally, I try to answer by saying that I am supporting both countries (which in my case means England and Holland). However, this brings its own set of complications and one of two questions. “Which team are you supporting ‘more’?” and, “what if England and Holland have to face each other in the final?” Luckily for me Germany did a very efficient job of getting me out of that little moral dilemma this year but for some reason I’ve not really felt like sending them a thank you card.
And of course your team being knocked out is not the end of it. Suddenly the question becomes, “Which country are you supporting ‘now’?” You might be broken and still crying into your beer but that does not change the fact that you are a free resource once again.
At that point the question for yourself becomes, “why not?” It’s not like you have anyone else left to support and if you do they will just keep asking until you don’t. Besides, streaking through the town square might be fun.
Hup Holland Hup
(This post was also read the radio and can heard here.)
Some of you might have been wondering what I do for a day job. Am I Superhero? A ninja? A pirate? A spy? A super hero ninja pirate spy? Well I can finally reveal what I have been doing to pay the rent for the last few months because my latest project has been announced:
I’m a designer on the Killzone computer game franchise. That’s right, I get to play computer games and call it research.
Work is taking me out of the country for a short while again and because of that I wont have any time for anything blog related until I get back and because of that I’m leaving you with another very funny from John Fealey. This time he is talking about Koninginnedag. See you in a few days.
If you are unable to see the embedded video above follow this link.
This story is not for the faint of heart. The details contained within are so vile and so disgusting that they have been known to make small children cry, stop the birds in the sky singing and drive sane men insane with torment. It is said that this will be the last story ever read at the end of days. This is your last chance to turn back. You have been warned; what has been read cannot be unread:
I have a zit. A really big one. On my nose.
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This might sound like a small matter but it is not. This zit is so large that scientists are re-classifying it as a separate life form, activist are starting to fight for its rights and the religious community is crying out that it must be destroyed before it brings about the doom of mankind.
It is currently sitting on the end of my nose like an unwanted squatter, impossible to ignore and refusing to be evicted. I finally understand how women feel when men are unable to stop staring at their boobs during a conversation because everyone have I talk to can not take their eyes off my nose pimple.
I am a man in his thirties. I am not supposed to get zits of this magnitude anymore. Unsightly zits are a young man’s game. I left that behind me years ago along with my youth and my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle VHS collection. This simply should not be happening. I look like a Tim Burton version of Rudolf the Red Nose reindeer. Am I regressing back into my teenage self one zit at a time? How long is it until my hair becomes greasy, my ability to grow a beard fails me and my voice un-breaks, making me sound like Elmo on helium (again)?
And will it ever go away? Will it evolve sentience and free will? Will it start to talk? Can anything a zit has to say be good? If I look at the tip of my nose I can already see it. I’m scared that it is going to wave back one day. If it gets any bigger I might have to start giving it a co-writers credit.
And what exactly will happen if ‘eruption day’ finally comes? Will I survive it? Will I still have a nose afterwards or just a blast crater for a face?
Either way, I think that I will find out in the next few days.
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UPDATE: IT BURST!
Right in the middle of a conversion with my father-in-law. We both survived the explosion but it shows that the late zit had a seance of humour when it came to timing.
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