Dear Holland,
I am holding your summer captive. If you ever want to see it again you will meet with my demands. If my demands are not met you will never get to wear that new bikini you just bought to the beach. I know you are Dutch and will most likely go to the beach in the freezing cold anyway but you know what I mean.
To prove to you that I am serious I have enclosed ten minutes of partly sunny weather between out bursts of rain, just enough to make you think wearing shorts was a good idea this morning.
Now that I have your attention my demands are as follows:
1) My own windmill.
2) A canal named after me.
3) A lifetime’s supply of Speculoos.
4) Tea to be served as god intended, with milk and sugar.
5) A pair of clogs (size 41).
6) My upstairs neighbours to stop having loud noisy ‘intimate time’.
7) A very large wheels of cheese.
An address for a drop of point will be sent later.
Do not call the cops. If I see any cops your summer will become a victim of ‘global warming’ if you know what I mean and that large amount of money you just spent on that air conditioning installation will become a very poor investment indeed.
Kind regards
The kidnapper
I watch a lot of TV series. In fact you could call me an addict but I am one of those addicts who hides their problem well by reading a book every now and then.
However, when you watch as many TV series as I do if starts to get a little hard to keep track of the individual plot lines and they start to blur together. Take this show I am watching at the moment for example:
The survivors of a plane crash find themselves on a mysterious island where everything is not what it seems.
One of the survivors is a doctor who unintentionally becomes the leader of the group of castaways. He spends most of his time on the beach with three of the other survivors and a white board (that they found in the plane wreckage), performing differential diagnosis on the tropical diseases the other survivors start to catch. Mysteriously, no one on the island catches lupus.
Things get worse when they discover they are not alone on the island. After taking a census of the survivors and comparing it to the flight manifest they discover that one of the survivors is not who he says he is. In fact, he was never on the plane. He is one of the human cylons who inhabits the island and have their own dark secret addenda.
Luckily, one of the survivors might have the answer to their escape. He develops a strange connection with the island after regaining the ability to walk again following the crash. He also has a map of the island tattooed all over his body which includes the network of strange hidden scientific research stations that were once part of the mysterious Cyberdyne Initiative. It is with in these research stations that the survivors uncover the shocking true.
Will they get off the island with in 24 hours and be able to warn the president of the impending assassination attempt by a cigarette smoking exploding man that they have learned about on the island? Only time and the season final will tell.
Whoever can work out all the TV show mentioned above wins a prize.
Everyone loves a party but not all parties are successful. It’s hard to tell why some are, “off the hook,” where others fail. However, after much experimentation I believe I have come up with the formula for the perfect party. I have scientifically extracted the best parts from different kinds of parties and combined them into one. If my calculations are correct the results should be amazing. If I am wrong the party could become unstable and explode, resulting in the destruction of 65% of the planet.
Party goers are required to adhere to the fancy dress code of a Halloween party combined with the pajama wearing and pillow fighting of a slumber party. Once everyone has arrived the party will start with the gift giving and receiving that takes place at Christmas parties minus rubbish presents like socks.
Jelly, ice-cream and a variety of other party foods often found at a child’s birthday party will then be served on brightly coloured paper plates with images of Thomas the Tank Engine on them. A bouncy castle and ball pen will also be available. Games of pass the parcel, musical chairs and other party favourites will take place through out the night.
There will be a photocopier available for the party goers who wish to partake in the traditional ass photocopying that often takes place at office parties. There will also be the random guilt free destruction of the host’s property that takes place at all house warming parties.
The fruit punch will be spiked like any good college celebration and there will be more alcoholic beverages available then can be found hidden in any dorm room. At the beginning of the night the DJ will start by playing the best of 80s party music and slowly work his way up to the best of present day party music by the end of the night. At least one swaying person who is too drunk to dance should be on the dance floor at all times (during the night this number might multiply).
At midnight there will be the count down and mandatory kissing that takes place at all New Years Eve parties before everyone passes out in awkward positions that would make even a circus contortionist cry out in pain.
Finally it is very important that everyone is leg less by the end of the night and can’t remember anything the next morning. This is required so proper scientific readings can be taken to measure how successful the party experiment really was. As all good scientists know the only way to measure how much fun a party goer had is by seeing how hung over they feel the next morning.
Scientist: “How was the party last night?”
Party Goer: “It was great, amazing, fantastic… I can’t see anymore.”
I’ve tagged by Alan from Random Burblings to inform every one of 10 things I will ‘never’ do in my life time.
1) Enjoy an Adam Sandler Movie:
I have never found Adam Sandler funny and I never will. I am still scarred from the time I was forced to watch ‘Little Nicky.’ That movie stole time from my life that I want back. I look forward to the day when audiences can sue the makers of bad movies. I’ve got a long list ready.
2) Be a morning person:
I can never wake up in the mornings and I don’t like coffee. I just stumble around for a while like a zombie in search of the shower and pass out again on the train to work.
3) Think Paris Hilton is a talented person and a good role model for the youth of today:
I’m not even going to start on this subject. I’ll only get angry and burn down every store stocking copies of her album.
4) Remember my college summer ball:
Drinking student punch at a pre-ball party is not a good idea. They make it very strong. My only memory of the actual event is waking up in a hallway in the recovery position after my friends had put me there. I was up and about again in time for the last song.
5) Understand how to use a Mac:
I’ve tried. I really have but I can not work them out. PCs might not be perfect but neither are Macs. I also don’t like the way a Mac is more like a fashion statement then a computer or Apples patronizing and inaccurate representation of PC users. Can’t we all just get along? If a Mac user ever tries laughing at me because my PC is not cool I just make them cry by asking when they will be getting the latest games release.
6) Be able to dance with out having a few drinks first:
It’s not easy getting the ‘sober and embarrassed vs. drunk and stupid’ balance right but when it is achieved I can dance the night away with out feeling shy or falling down.
7) Approach a lists like this seriously:
It’s just not in my nature.
8) Work in food retail again:
For a lot of my college life I worked part time in Iceland (the frozen foods store and not the country). I hated every second of it.
If you do not believe the old truth that the worst thing about working in retail is the customers (followed quickly by the employer) then I have a story to tell you. An old man once approached me and asked where he could find our ice-cream. It was a rule that we had to show customers to the location of something rather then simply point out the direction. As I led the way I suddenly felt his hand brush across my ass. It was worrying but it seemed like it could have been an accident coursed by walking too close, an embarrassing but innocent mistake. Then it happened a second time and there was definite feeling. I started walking a lot fast in a panic, pointed out the ice-cream and kept on going. My pace got even quicker when I heard him ask if I would reach into the freezer and get him an ice-cream from the bottom. To hell with customer satisfaction.
9) Be able to think of a number 9 in the list of 10 things I will never do:
I’m drawing a blank… um… I’ll never have an army of robot zombie mice. There you go.
10) Spell dyslexic with out the aid of a spell checker:
Dyslexix, dyslxix, deslxic….. bugger.
The Aliens Are Coming! The Aliens Are Coming!
But there is nothing to worry about because they all seem to be a bit useless.
If there is one thing movies have shown us about life from beyond the stars it is that they are not really as scary as they might seem. They either melt when a glass of water is thrown over them or simply die from eat the local food. This raises the question; why would super intelligent beings come to earth in their amazing machines of death and not get their inoculation jabs first. Even the most stupid of holiday tourists (yes, even the English ones) know not to drink the water in some countries they travel to. It seems obvious to apply the same logic when invading (or going on holiday) to another planet. When the holiday flights to Mars start you can bet I’ll be taking a lot of bottled water with me for drinking and brushing my teeth with.
It does not end their either. Movies have also shown that aliens do not bother to put password protection or even Norton Anti-Virus on their computers and as a result leave their whole system open to any human hacker. They must have really useless system administrators.
But even if the aliens remember their inoculation shots and their password protection there is still no need to worry. According to Mr. Spielberg there is a simple plan for surviving any alien invasion. When every where else has been destroyed, every building flattened, every other human killed or harvested, when the entire planet is being covered in an evil looking red alien plant thingy…go to Boston. Boston will be safe. Every building will still be standing. Everything will still be clean. There will not even be a cracked window. The birds will still be tweeting and Mr. Mouse will still be happily looking for food. Aliens seem to hate the whole world but not Boston.
Never underestimate the power of bug spray, music, mud or stairs either.
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