Since I will be busy showing my parents around Holland this week I have dug up the first ever blog post I ever wrote to share with you. Until now this post has never actually appeared on Invading Holland because it was originally written in my misguided MySpace days before I heard of real blogging.
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As an Englishman I have a unique point of view on the Netherlands. This point of view is usually a foot or two low that of the average Dutchman given their extreme height.
The Netherlands is a very flat country and as such its people are very envious of any other countries with even the smallest of hills or speed bumps. Young skateboarders and go-cart racers are more bitter then most. The Dutch try to compensate for this feeling of hill impotence by giving their country two names; Holland and The Netherlands (not to be confused with Never Land. You won’t find Tinkerbell here… unless maybe you spend too long in a coffee shop).
The Dutch as a whole are a very friendly people (unless they work in customer services or you mention hills). However not everyone on the street who asks, ‘Charlie?’ is inquiring about your name. This could lead to some confusion if your name actually is Charlie. You may end up being given a small bag of what seems to be a very expensive and ineffective washing powder.
It is also a popular belief that every Dutch person wears clogs, eats cheese, is constantly stoned and knows the price and proper etiquette when dealing with prostitutes in the red light district. However this is not true… sometimes they wear trainers.
Attempting to cross the street in the Netherlands can be like taking part in a live game of ‘Frogger’ because not only do the Dutch drive on the other side of the road (to the English) but you also have to look out for trams, bikes, stoned English tourists and then try not to fall in a canal (and then look out for canal boats if you do).
There are a few important phrases that come in handy when in Holland. If you can successfully order ‘een uitsmijter met ham en kaas’ you can eat like a god. As my Dutch friends will tell you it’s the only thing I’ll ever eat when we go out for lunch. If they tell you it is the only thing on the menu that I can order in Dutch it’s all lies… lies I tell you… I can order ‘een uitsmijter met bacon en kaas’ too.
“Spreekt u Engels?” is another very useful phrase but you’ll find that asking the average Dutch person if they can speak English is like asking if they can count to three since most of them can do both. I’ve been told that most Dutch people learn English from TV and repeats of The A-Team. However I have yet to hear any of them, “Pity the fool.”
If all else fails you can always use the phrase I use the most, “Ik heb geen idee wat u zegt,” which translates to, “I have no idea what you said.”
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This post was also recently featured on A Letter from the Netherlands.
I’d also like to thank Clogs and Tulips for asking me to take part in a recent interview and Orangesplaash for sending me the Loyal and Lovely Blog Award.
During any kind of sporting event that involves countries competing against each other it is inevitable that expats everywhere will be asked the same question. It does not matter which country they are from and which country they find themselves in, the question from the locals is always the same; “Which country are you supporting?”
This may seem like a simple question at first with an equally simple answer; your own country (or another one you really like). However, this is a beginner’s mistake and suggests that the question actually involves some kind of choice.
To be able to answer this question correctly it is first important to understand the many deep layers of what it means. If “which country are you supporting?” is asked by a Dutchman for example the question would actually mean, “Are you supporting Holland?” and, “If not, why not?” as well as, “Aren’t you grateful for everything we have done for you, letting you stay here, letting you eat our stampot, ride our bikes, enjoy our windmills. You better be supporting us.”
It seems that most European countries are happy with you showing up, taking their jobs, their money, and their women and not attempting to learn the language but if you don’t support the local football team there will be some very deeply hurt feelings that might result in you being made an example of.
Saying that you don’t follow the sporting event in question might seem like an easy way to side step this question. However, this simply makes you a free and available resource in the eyes of your host country and means there is even less of a reason for you to not show your support by streaking through the town square wearing nothing but the local flag.
Personally, I try to answer by saying that I am supporting both countries (which in my case means England and Holland). However, this brings its own set of complications and one of two questions. “Which team are you supporting ‘more’?” and, “what if England and Holland have to face each other in the final?” Luckily for me Germany did a very efficient job of getting me out of that little moral dilemma this year but for some reason I’ve not really felt like sending them a thank you card.
And of course your team being knocked out is not the end of it. Suddenly the question becomes, “Which country are you supporting ‘now’?” You might be broken and still crying into your beer but that does not change the fact that you are a free resource once again.
At that point the question for yourself becomes, “why not?” It’s not like you have anyone else left to support and if you do they will just keep asking until you don’t. Besides, streaking through the town square might be fun.
Hup Holland Hup
(This post was also read the radio and can heard here.)
Anyone who has lived in Holland for any length of time has most likely encountered a Dutch circle party and those who have not will eventually, it is inevitable. A Dutch circle party (the name is not a euphemism) can be best described as a ‘party’ that involves sitting in a circle all afternoon and chatting while drinking tea and eating cake. Anyone who only considers a party to be a party if someone is passed out in the corner, people are making out in the kitchen and the cops have been called at least three times is going to be sorely disappointed.
When attending a Dutch circle party it is important to know that when other attendees shake your hand and announce ‘Gefeliciteerd’ they are not introducing themselves. It might start to seem like you are being introduced to a very big family or that Gefeliciteerd is a more common name than Smith but they are in fact wishing you, “congratulations”.
“Gefeliciteerd.”
“Stuart. Nice to meet you Mr and Mrs Gefeliciteerd.”
This is because it is custom for the Dutch to congratulate everyone at the party and (as I discovered) is not because they are unsure about who the birthday boy or girl is (don’t try to be helpful by pointing).
Once you have successfully found a place to sit with in the circle (not necessarily with the people you arrived with and most likely with people you don’t know at all) you will be offered a drink and some cake. If you desire a drink with a little extra kick it is advisable to secretly conceal a hip flask of alcohol about your person since the strongest thing to be served at most Dutch circle parties is chamomile tea.
It is also custom for there to be a minimum of 3 or 4 generations of family present at a Dutch circle party (the maximum limit is only set by the average human life span). This makes it entirely possible to go from a conversation about life as a member of the Dutch resistance during World War 2 to which Sesame Street character is best and why (It’s best to avoid getting these two conversations mixed up, Dora the Explore was never part of the Dutch resistance).
However, since a lot of these conversations will be in Dutch and thus impossible for a non-Dutch speaker to follow it is best to find something of interest to do to pass the time such as; staring at a wall, listening to the clock tick, trying to guess how much Dutch ‘worst & kaas’ you can eat or simply going to your happy place.
However, you must also stay alert! As a non Dutch speaker it is possible to go from being unintentionally ignored to suddenly having the entire room focus upon you within a split second as everyone waits silently for your answer to a question that you might not have heard because you were too busy watching a bug crawl across the window. This can happen because a Dutch attendee simply wanted to practice their English, ask you what brought you to Holland or simply know the current prices of the UK housing market. Whatever the reason, everyone in the room suddenly wants to hear the English speaker talk and they never seem to realize what a shock to the system this sudden intimidating attention can be or that testing us on our Dutch under the watchful eye of a room full of native speakers is not necessarily the most comfortable of situations.
But do not worry. Most Dutch circle parties have a set end time at a very respectable hour which the host or hostess will politely remind you of by starting to clean up around you.
PARRTTTYYYY!!!!!
Thank you for agreeing to take the Dutch Integration test. The aim of this test is to determine how well you have integrated into Dutch culture during the time you have spent in the Netherlands. Please answer the questions below truthfully and honestly to the best of your knowledge for the best test results:
What is your name?
Stuart B (aka: InvaderStu)
Are you able to communicate in Dutch?
If by ‘communicate’ you mean order beer and bitterballen; yes.
Do you know why it is important to pronounce “Scheveningen” correctly and are you able to do so?
Yes. During World War 2 the Dutch used to shoot people who were unable to pronounce Scheveningen correctly because they were most likely German spies. Since I neither wish to be shot or mistaken for a German I have tried very hard to learn how to pronounce it right. Sometimes I get nervous when a Dutch person approaches me in the street and I just randomly shout Scheveningen.
Do you own a Dutch flag?
No but I do own a pair of socks with the Dutch flag on them. They were a Sinterklaas gift.
Have you ever skated on ice?
Not intentionally.
Do you own a bicycle?
I do but it is a German bike. The last time I had to get it repaired the Dutch bicycle repairman I took it to was not very happy about this fact. I shouted Scheveningen several times to reassure him.
Have you ever had a bike stolen?
I thought I did once but it turned out I’d simply not noticed the large construction sign stating; “Do not park your bike here or we will take it away with the rest of the bike rack we are replacing!” In my defense the sign was in Dutch and I got my bike back after a week.
Have you ever decorated a bike in an outrageous fashion?
Not yet but I’m thinking about taking my bike on Pimp My Ride.
Have you ever eaten stamppot?
I have tried most kinds of stamppot and have even invented some of my own. However, I am still trying to find someone who is willing to help me market M&M stamppot and speculoos stamppot.
Have you ever made a joke at the expense of a Belgium?
Don’t be daft. Not even a Belgium is going to pay to hear a joke… Only the Irish would do that.
Have you ever visited the red light district?
Only to do some window shopping.
Have you ever celebrated Queen’s Day?
Yes. I love Bohemian Rhapsody and know all the lyrics.
Do you know what a Zwarte Pieten is?
Yes. However, I had no clue what they were the first time I saw a parade of them marching towards me on a crowded street in Haarlem like an army of renaissance gay pride midget Al Jolson impersonators. It was one of the most puzzling experiences of my life, only beaten by the woman wearing a fake rubber penis who approached me in the same street a few weeks later.
The first mistake anyone can make when entering a Dutch bar, café or restaurant and trying to get the waiters attention is; entering a Dutch bar, café or restaurant and trying to get the waiters attention. Dutch waiters simply don’t like their attention being got. It is a fact of nature. Trying to get the attention of a Dutch waiter, waitress or any other member of bar staff is a battle of wills which can rarely be won. You might eventually get served but this only occurs when the Dutch waiter has decided to acknowledge your attempts to do so (which they will still do begrudgingly).
For example:Whenever you enter a café in Holland it is inevitable that the waiter behind the bar is cleaning a glass. It is also inevitable that they will suddenly develop extreme tunnel vision and your approach to the bar will go unnoticed. In addition to this, they will become extremely dedicated to the cleanliness and hygiene of that one single glass in a way that suggests an extreme case of obsessive compulsive disorder as they clean it over and over again and seemingly fails to notice you waiting for them to put it down. It should be noted that a blind and deaf man has more awareness of his surroundings than a Dutch waiter who wants to avoid dealing with customers.
This glass cleaning technique will continue well past the point of uncomfortable-ness and force you to question your own existence as all of your coughing, arm waving and flair firing continue to go unnoticed during their Gollum like fascination with the very clean glass.
However, if you have the strength to wait long enough even a Dutch waiter will eventually have to admit to themselves that the glass is clean enough, put it down and (if they don’t pick up another) let their attention be got.
There is one very important thing that must be remembered once you have the attention of a Dutch waiter; Do not attempt to order in Dutch. Seriously, don’t do it. The waiter is already unhappy that they had to give you their attention. If you attempt to order in Dutch you will become their play thing as they pick your Dutch speaking ability to pieces and refuse to for fill your order until you can pronounce it better then Queen Betrx herself. You will not be allowed to switch back to English either. They will force you to finish what you started in the interest of, “learning the language.”
In fact, Dutch waiters are so strict when it comes to the use of their own language that if they were used as part of the Inburgeringstoets process (Dutch Immigration and citizenship test) most applicants would probably end up being barred from the country. That or give up after being ignored for so long and move to Belgium.
You better enjoy that beer once you have it because it will be a long time until you get another. Dutch waiters really don’t like their attention to be got.
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