The terrifying events of last summer seemed like a distant half forgotten memory but we were too quick to celebrate in our victory. All the time our enemy was regrouping and re-planning as they watched us from the shadows with their hungry eyes. We were too blind to take notice of the early warning signs. When they descended upon us again we were unprepared. We were defenceless. We were fools. The yearly cycle has begun again and the mosquito horde has returned to feast upon us.
The little flying Nosferatu have abandoned the stealth tactics they used last year in favour of physiological warfare. They are no longer content with silently sucking on my blood while I sleep; unaware of the unauthorised blood donation that is taking place. Instead they purposely torment me by trying to use my ear as a landing pad every time I close my eyes. They won’t let me sleep. Sometimes I even think I can hear them laughing evilly as they buzz past.
I am not sure why they have chosen to do this. Either the mental torment makes the blood taste sweeter or they simply like to see me slap myself in the side of the head every time I try in vane to hit them when they land.
Every night I eventually pass out from exhaustion, unless I hit myself in the side of the head hard enough to render myself unconscious first. When I wake up the next morning I have enough bite marks for a thoroughly engrossing game of connect the dots (which I expect one day to reveal a hidden mosquito message).
The mosquitoes have pushed me too far. I am not taking it any more. I am going to take the fight to them using Rambo style tactics and as much bug spray as I can get my hands on. I have already stock piled so many mosquito death devices that it probably won’t be long before the UN is knocking on my door to investigate reports of WMDs on the premises. However, the only WMDs they will find will be Weapons of Mosquito Destruction.
This is my declaration of war on all mosquitoes every where. Let this day be marked in history. We will no longer let their crimes go unpunished. No longer will we allow them to steal our blood. No longer will we put up with annoying itchy bite marks. No longer will we do nothing while their buzzing keeps us awake. Today we stand! Today we fight! Who’s with me?
During the days leading up to the improv show (that I had spent the last few weeks preparing) for I did not feel nervous at all. I was comfortable with the idea of performing in front of a live audience. When the day of the show finally arrived I did not feel anxious or worried either. Even when only an hour remained before I would be walking on to the stage I felt relaxed and unafraid. I was displaying the kind of calm that a monk or Jedi knight can only hope to achieve. I felt confident and excited.
Five minutes before the show however I was desperately trying to find an escape route with my fellow class members so we could flee the terror of the impending performance as well as the deadly smell of pre-show nerves that had suddenly manifested themselves as strong flatulence. We all had good reason to be nervous. The show was sold out. There was not even enough room for everyone in the audience to sit and they were all between us and the only exit. I tried to recall if I had ever done anything else as scary as what I was about to do that had not involved some kind of threat of bodily harm.
Before I could think of such a situation we were called on to the stage, “Please welcome The No Refund Group.”
It seemed like the name might come in handy if things turned ugly.
We had two options. We could either go out on to the stage, face what seemed like possible humiliation and embarrassment before a live audience or stay hidden back stage with the smell of pre-show flatulence. We chose the lesser of the two evils and walked out onto the stage for fresh air.
When we got on to the stage we were instantly greeted with applause and cheers. All my feelings of fear started to fade away as the performance began and it was not long before I was simply having fun. Best of all; the audience was having fun too. They were laughing and applauding at our jokes and the scenes we created between us. It was a great feeling.
When I first started taking improv lessons the thought of going up on stage with out any idea of what I was going to say or do seemed like insanity. However, as the weeks went on it started to become a fun and addictive process. It was great to see what a scene could evolve into from a simple suggestion given by the audience. Improv scenes have a way of taking on a life of their own and that became fascinating for me as well as extremely fun.
From the simple suggestion of a golf course we created a story of murder, betrayal and incompetence that might have been avoided if the characters involved had taken up a less dangerous sport like tennis or chess instead.
A doctor and patient relationship became a guessing game of which medical instruments had been accidentally left in the patient during surgery, some of which had already come out the ‘other end’ of the patient.
The innocent suggestion of a Disney Cartoon became a bitter divorce argument between Mickey and Minnie Mouse.
We performed a lot of scenes and improv games in the show. Below is just a small sample.
If the embedded video clip does not appear click here.
As soon as the show was over I wanted to do it again. I plan to take more improv courses in the future because this one w so much fun.
I won’t let this small taste of fame go to my head. Incidentally, if you would like an autograph you will have to talk to my agent.
Everyone loves a party but not all parties are successful. It’s hard to tell why some are, “off the hook,” where others fail. However, after much experimentation I believe I have come up with the formula for the perfect party. I have scientifically extracted the best parts from different kinds of parties and combined them into one. If my calculations are correct the results should be amazing. If I am wrong the party could become unstable and explode, resulting in the destruction of 65% of the planet.
Party goers are required to adhere to the fancy dress code of a Halloween party combined with the pajama wearing and pillow fighting of a slumber party. Once everyone has arrived the party will start with the gift giving and receiving that takes place at Christmas parties minus rubbish presents like socks.
Jelly, ice-cream and a variety of other party foods often found at a child’s birthday party will then be served on brightly coloured paper plates with images of Thomas the Tank Engine on them. A bouncy castle and ball pen will also be available. Games of pass the parcel, musical chairs and other party favourites will take place through out the night.
There will be a photocopier available for the party goers who wish to partake in the traditional ass photocopying that often takes place at office parties. There will also be the random guilt free destruction of the host’s property that takes place at all house warming parties.
The fruit punch will be spiked like any good college celebration and there will be more alcoholic beverages available then can be found hidden in any dorm room. At the beginning of the night the DJ will start by playing the best of 80s party music and slowly work his way up to the best of present day party music by the end of the night. At least one swaying person who is too drunk to dance should be on the dance floor at all times (during the night this number might multiply).
At midnight there will be the count down and mandatory kissing that takes place at all New Years Eve parties before everyone passes out in awkward positions that would make even a circus contortionist cry out in pain.
Finally it is very important that everyone is leg less by the end of the night and can’t remember anything the next morning. This is required so proper scientific readings can be taken to measure how successful the party experiment really was. As all good scientists know the only way to measure how much fun a party goer had is by seeing how hung over they feel the next morning.
Scientist: “How was the party last night?”
Party Goer: “It was great, amazing, fantastic… I can’t see anymore.”
Many people have experienced variations of a dream in which they are standing on a stage, about to perform in front of an audience. As the curtain slowly starts to rise they suddenly realize that they do not know any of their lines. The panic becomes worse when they see the faces of their audience looking back at them in anticipation. Suddenly they can’t even remember what the play is about and the dream slowly turns into a nightmare. The worst is yet to come however. As they desperately try to recall any simple facts about the play they look down and suddenly see they are naked, totally exposed before the audience.
This is usually the point where the person having the dream wakes up screaming. For me however this is not just a dream. It is something I will be doing voluntary very soon and I am actually looking forward to it.
For the past few weeks I have been taking part in an improvisation course (run by Easy Laughs) and in just a few days I will be performing live on stage (with out a script) along side my fellow class mates in our graduation show. We will be making up scenes on the spot by taking suggestions from the audience.
The show is open to the public and anyone is welcome to attend. However, before any potential stalkers get too excited I am afraid I will have to disappoint some of you because there won’t actually be any nudity involved (that was just the dream). That is unless I have far too many drinks to get over any feelings of stage fright.
The show takes place at The Crea Muziekzaal in Amsterdam on Friday the 15th of June at 8:30 and only costs 8 euros for three hours of comedy. The performance is split into three acts. The first act will involve the professional actors (the ones who get paid) and the two acts that follow will be performed by the two student classes (one of which I am in).
The entertainment industry is already buzzing with news of the show and critics are calling it an instant classic.
EDIT: They are expecting the show to sell out (that’s not just me being big headed) so anyone who does want to come might want to book tickets in advanced. Just click on the link above.
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