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Thank you for agreeing to take the Dutch Integration test. The aim of this test is to determine how well you have integrated into Dutch culture during the time you have spent in the Netherlands. Please answer the questions below truthfully and honestly to the best of your knowledge for the best test results:
What is your name?
Stuart B (aka: InvaderStu)
Are you able to communicate in Dutch?
If by ‘communicate’ you mean order beer and bitterballen; yes.
Do you know why it is important to pronounce “Scheveningen” correctly and are you able to do so?
Yes. During World War 2 the Dutch used to shoot people who were unable to pronounce Scheveningen correctly because they were most likely German spies. Since I neither wish to be shot or mistaken for a German I have tried very hard to learn how to pronounce it right. Sometimes I get nervous when a Dutch person approaches me in the street and I just randomly shout Scheveningen.
Do you own a Dutch flag?
No but I do own a pair of socks with the Dutch flag on them. They were a Sinterklaas gift.
Have you ever skated on ice?
Not intentionally.
Do you own a bicycle?
I do but it is a German bike. The last time I had to get it repaired the Dutch bicycle repairman I took it to was not very happy about this fact. I shouted Scheveningen several times to reassure him.
Have you ever had a bike stolen?
I thought I did once but it turned out I’d simply not noticed the large construction sign stating; “Do not park your bike here or we will take it away with the rest of the bike rack we are replacing!” In my defense the sign was in Dutch and I got my bike back after a week.
Have you ever decorated a bike in an outrageous fashion?
Not yet but I’m thinking about taking my bike on Pimp My Ride.
Have you ever eaten stamppot?
I have tried most kinds of stamppot and have even invented some of my own. However, I am still trying to find someone who is willing to help me market M&M stamppot and speculoos stamppot.
Have you ever made a joke at the expense of a Belgium?
Don’t be daft. Not even a Belgium is going to pay to hear a joke… Only the Irish would do that.
Have you ever visited the red light district?
Only to do some window shopping.
Have you ever celebrated Queen’s Day?
Yes. I love Bohemian Rhapsody and know all the lyrics.
Do you know what a Zwarte Pieten is?
Yes. However, I had no clue what they were the first time I saw a parade of them marching towards me on a crowded street in Haarlem like an army of renaissance gay pride midget Al Jolson impersonators. It was one of the most puzzling experiences of my life, only beaten by the woman wearing a fake rubber penis who approached me in the same street a few weeks later.
